HALLELUJAH

MY VISA IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All systems go!!!!!

I can't even describe the disgusting amount of stress this mess has caused me, but now I'M REALLY GOING TO THAILAND!!

I'm almost packed, and miracle of miracles (besides my visa getting to me in time, of course), my checked bag is UNDERWEIGHT!! I'm a notorious overpacker, so there aren't even words for the relief!!

Okay. Lots to do still - leaving the house at 2 am tomorrow. Big. Huge. Gulp.

Hiccup

I should be packing. And no, I'm not packed yet. I'm too busy flying into a panic. You see, my procrastination is biting me. Hard.

I can't remember if I mentioned that I sent in my application for a visa (a little later than I had planned/hoped...) last week. No worries, it should get there and back in plenty of time, right? and by plenty of time, I mean it should have gotten here today. What I forgot about, and didn't consider in my timetable was the holiday weekend. And also that the Thai consulate I sent the stuff to is closed on Fridays (I actually was unaware of this). So. I lost 2 days of prime visa-getting time. Which means I. Am. Panicking. I don't have my visa yet, and of course, to get a visa, one must submit one's passport. So I am visaless AND passportless. I'm stateside-bound, presently. Which is problematic since MY FLIGHT LEAVES THURSDAY AT 6:25 AM PRECISELY(ish).

Pardon me while I melt into a puddle of self-loathing and anger and frustration. At my own stupidity for not considering all the variables and forseeing this mess. I've called everyone I can think to call. Emailed. Begged. Cried a little.

I will remain positive. There are 30 hours and 50 minutes in which my visa might arrive.

I'm going to Thailand.

Mixed.

I have to be totally honest.

It's not sinking in that I'm leaving. In three days. For Thailand. For 7 weeks.

The part that IS hitting me is that I am so scared. My premise for picking Thailand was that it's a place I have no preconceived notions about. Hindsight is 20/20, of course, and I realize now that that may have been a very poor decision.

I'm excited. But I'm also full of fear of the unknown... And Thailand is full of the unknown.

Oh well. If you're jumping into something, might as well jump in head first, right?!

In other news, I think I'm catching a cold. I'm willing it away though. The next few days will be spent getting everything together and packing and panicking and telling myself that I can do this.

I'm going to Thailand.

I'M GOING TO THAILAND.

Back to the real stuff.

Since my packing list post, there hasn't been much blog-worthy news (other than graduation) or happenings on the Thailand trip front. I am currently at my parents' house, trying to get myself organized, and re-organized, then organizing the organization. Oh, and the lists! I have lists of lists I have to make, as well as the lists I've made...If I put half as much energy into actually DOING the stuff on my lists as I did making them, I'd have no lists to worry about. But alas, I like to feel like I'm sortof organized and know what I'm doing. The jury is out on whether or not that's any kind of true.

Now, I'm slightly procrastinating. I love my parents' house, but one of the things I usually run into when I'm here (you'd think I'd be better at dealing with this by now, but no...) is that there's SO MUCH TO DO that I get a little lost figuring out what I'm going to do. Mountains of laundry. Deep cleaning. Grocery shop. Cook. Clean some more. (I should explain - my parents have a farm, of sorts, with several indoor animals. I haven't yet figured out how one dog and two cats can lose so much hair in two days and not be completely naked, but anyways. The point is that they, along with the other occupants of this house, bring in a lot of dirt and hay and sticks and mud and such. Keeping up with them is a full time job.) I KNOW it's not my house and I'm not REALLY responsible for all of those things, but they are all things I like to do. I can't really do much for my family, and I feel guilty for never being home, so I do what I can (and like to do) when I'm here and hope that makes up for all the places I'm lacking. Personal guilt trip aside...

I'm waiting to get my Visa back from the Thai consulate. As already noted on several occasions, I'm a professional procrastinator. Naturally, I waited until the week before I actually needed my visa to apply for it. I know that the turnaround is usually very quick (as in, a day), so I'm not that worried, but I am a tiny bit anxious. Hard to think that something as stupid as a bit of paper (or whatever a visa is) would throw a monkey wrench in this whole big trip.

So, with less than a week before I leave, I'm getting all my packing lists in order, trying to round up the supplies I'll be needing, and getting all my US stuff squared away. Seriously, leaving the country for an extended period of time is way harder than I thought it would be! I wish I had known about the $3000 I had to pull from nowhere IN ADDITION to the cost of tuition. Studying abroad is affordable, yes, if you plan and save for a while. I did no such thing. Gulp. It's going to work out. Thinking positively.

However, I have to note this. A few people have commented on my "bravery" for taking on a new country like this. I don't feel brave at all. I'm scared out of my mind. If you think that I'm excited, you're right, but actually, right now, I'm far more scared than excited. Thinking about boarding a plane that flies over a dark, cold, vast ocean makes me quake. Thinking about arriving in a foreign airport (when I struggle with domestic airports) and having no concept of how to read or speak the language there scares the life out of me. Staying in a huge city where I don't know a single other soul alone for a night nearly brings me to tears. The thought of staying in a foreign place for 7+ weeks, eating strange foods, trying to blunder my way through a total culture shock, and having no guarantee of contact with people who are most important to me makes me almost ill. I'm so so scared. And no matter how many people tell me, "You can do it!" and "You'll be fine!" when I tell them how scared I am, a part of me still hides out and says, "Um, you might not be able to do this." I'm still trying to think positively. The little quote "courage is being afraid but going on anyhow" comes to mind. So, whether or not I feel brave, I can do this!

More soon. Thanks for reading :)

Deviations.

I know this blog is supposed to be dedicated to traveling, but I think that, since I completed a "journey" last Thursday, it's worthy of a post. After 4 years of the hardest work I've ever done, I graduated from college. Now, I know y'all are thinking "Hey wait! I thought you were going to Thailand to study?! What's this graduating business?!" so let me clarify. I started my college career at a school where the majority of my classes were only worth 3 credits, instead of UNHM's typical 4. I took 5 classes each semester of my freshman year, but unfortunately, UNH wouldn't accept all my credits - not the same standards. Fair enough. So I worked a little harder during a couple semesters at UNHM and took a couple extra 1 or 2 credit classes, but when this semester rolled around, it turned out that I'm 2 credits short of the required 128 credits for a BS. My Thailand trip will be worth 6 credits, so I'll be all set, credit-wise, to officially graduate in September. Luckily, because my school is awesome, if you're on the right track to graduate in September, you can participate in the May commencement ceremony. Long story short, I pseudo-graduated last Thursday.

Truthfully, it doesn't feel like real life at all. Thursday was a gorgeous day, and I'm so thankful to all the people that came to the ceremony to support and congratulate me (seriously, my 'posse' was enormous!), but I still feel like I'm on summer vacation and come fall, I will be sitting at a desk, doing what I know I'm good at - learning. The finality of "your undergrad career is over. forever." is not sinking in. I'm worried that when it hits, I'm going to be a wreck. I love college. I love learning. I love meeting new people and making connections. I love my jobs on campus. I love the comfort of walking into the building and feeling like I truly belong there. I love walking down the hall and knowing every face I see or feeling confident that if I don't know them and say hi, I'll get a hi back. I even have come to love doing research (on interesting topics, of course). I love the challenge of being open-minded while still remembering my values. I. Love. College. And as pathetic as this sounds, I'm not ready to leave all that behind. The world is a giant, scary, dirty place, full of unknowns. UNHM is small, comfortable, and just unpredictable enough to keep it interesting but not scare me.

I was asked about a month ago to be the student speaker at the commencement ceremony. Of course, I accepted that honor with a GREAT deal of enthusiasm, and Thursday, delivered a speech that I'm proud of. The journey to the final result was rocky and difficult, and I'd be lying if I said that tears and much frustration weren't involved, but I said what I needed and wanted to, and feel good about the end result. I understand better now than I did before the few days leading up to, and commencement day, what a huge honor it was to be asked to do this, and I wish I had realized that sooner! I surprised myself though, For about a week leading up to the ceremony, I was growing increasingly nervous and actually almost panicked about standing in front of 1500 strangers and speaking. Even that day, when I went to "practice" and do a sound check, I nearly passed out from nerves. Then, sitting on the platform, listening to the other speakers (Governor Hassan, among others), I somehow completely...chilled out. I don't know how else to describe it. Certainly I was a bit nervous, but nothing like any of my rehearsals had been. I got up to speak and there was no knee-knocking, no light-headedness, hardly even a shaking hand! I spoke. People told me after that I sounded completely confident - I was even told that I "could be a politician, with those public speaking skills!" I say this, not to brag, but to stress how much, even in the commencement ceremony, I have learned about myself during my time at UNHM. I never would have even entertained the idea of speaking before a crowd like that, were it not for this honor. I'm excited to see what kinds of doors might open up! I believe that my speech will eventually make it on to YouTube, so I might post it at a later date.

I had intended to write more about graduation, but find that, with less than a week before leaving, I have LOTS AND LOTS to do. I'll just leave it with this (I actually stole this from my own facebook page, but it's my words...no plagiarism, promise!): Thank you for telling me that I could when I was sure that I couldn't. Thank you for supporting me, no matter how crazy I seemed. Thank you for teaching me to put what's important first. Thank you for putting up with my insane schedule and reassuring me that I'm still a good friend, no matter how busy I get, because that's life. Thank you for seeing potential when I felt like there was no way I could ever achieve what I wanted. Thank you for the honors I've been given that wouldn't have been possible without your encouragement, nominations, and support. Thank you for recognizing that a college education is a worthy endeavor, and pushing me to excel every step of the way. Thank you for laughing at me. Thank you for laughing with me. Your love, friendship, mentorship, example, and encouragement is invaluable.

xo.

Pack!

This is the boring packing list post I promised. If you're actually reading this, note that this list is a work in progress and I will likely be adding and possibly taking away items. I'm a notorious overpacker (I think it's a syndrome), so I'm really scared about packing for 2 months. However, I will be successful. I'm determined. And, if you were interested in stealing my luggage, now you will know EXACTLY what my bags contain! You lucky thief :)

Clothes:

• typical undergarments
• 7 pairs of socks
• 7 white button down shirts (ugh.)
• 4 black skirts
• 6 t-shirts
• 3 pairs of shorts
• 4 skirts
• 2 dresses
• (edit!) pajamas (duh?!)
• jacket
• bathing suit
• black flats
• sandals/flip flops
• sneakers

Toiletries:

• Shampoo/Conditioner
• face wash
• soap
• deodorant
• toothbrush/toothpaste
• wisps
• towels/washcloths
• ...feels like I'm missing something?

Stuff:

• power converter
• laptop, charger
• headphones/mic
• granola bars/compact snacks/energy bars?
• water "bottles"
• tylenol/ibuprofen
• first aid kit
• phone & charger
• door stopper
• sunscreen
• bug spray
• passport & copies
• REAL water bottle
• presents!
• mini tissue packages
• pillowcase/sheets?
• hand sanitizer
• anti-bacterial wipes
• immodium
• allergy/cold meds
• fold-up backpack?
• copy of birth certificate, social security card
• copy of credit/debit cards
• printed list of contents of my bags

Okay. That's all for now, I'm sure I'll think of a few other things! eep.

Planes, trains, etc.

I (with the help of my mother, a saint. Xo, mom, you're the best!) FINALLY have for real tickets to Thailand! So it's 100 percent official. No backing out. Eek. I'm so lucky that my mom is better at planning trips than me... I was researching and trying to find flights that worked and just about had a breakdown. Tears were involved. Not pretty.

Anyways. This feels crazy. Verrrry early Thursday May 30th, I board a plane in Boston, fly to DC (Dulles), then leave the USA. I have a layover in Dubai (I'm geographically challenged but that's in the United Arab Emirates, I think...), then I fly to Bangkok. Total flight time? 25ish hours. Luckily, I get to stay in Bangkok Friday night, then Saturday morning I fly into Chiang Mai, where I will be for 7 weeks.

Once my 7 weeks are up :( I fly from Chiang Mai to Phnom Penh (July 20th)to visit some friends that live in Cambodia for a few days. Then, Wednesday (July 25th) I fly from Phnom Penh back to Bangkok, Bangkok to Dubai, Dubai to DC, and DC to Boston. Yipe. I think I got that all right! :/

All in all, I'll be gone for about 60 days (2 months, 8 weeks)... That seems both incredibly short and long simultaneously. Weird.

I'm deciding and announcing now that  from the time that I leave on the 30th, I will title my posts "day 1", "day 2", and so on. This obviously isn't vital for you to know, but I'm writing down my reasoning for myself (lucky you, getting to peek into my wacko mind...!) - I sometimes get overwhelmed in experiences, particularly new ones, and I often find myself focusing too much on being overwhelmed/scared/unsure/etc. By writing with the purpose of talking about THAT DAY only, I hope it will encourage and enable me to live truly in those moments that happened that day... Never mind yesterday or tomorrow, but what has my experience been TODAY??

I'm so excited to have more things to write about, but now I'm going to try to pay back some of my sleep debt.

Till next time!